How to NOT get dates.
I usually go on Tinder & POF when I’m bored. I look at the first photo and rarely, if it’s intriguing enough, I look at the other 5 photos. Unfortunately often times it’s the “one and done” rule.
A friend of mine who has a Tinder and I dated at one point…not because of Tinder but it’s a relevant point because he and I dated and he asked for my sincere opinion “what makes a good portfolio pic to women?”
I began collecting photos and captioning them in hopes that one day, men will stop doing these insane things that women both abhor and detest.
How to NOT get dates lesson 1:
1a. Selfies are delicate. Careful or you look complete stupid instead of funny. Like a complete dick instead of cool and fat when you may be in shape. I know this from personal experience as well.
Staying in to rest my vocals for tomorrow’s show at 3:40pm the Kraine Theatre at the FRIGID Festival NYC! Come see Key of E, showtix.com 🎶💘🎭 #frigidfestival2014 #keyofe #actress #singer #80sbaby #90skid #rocknroll #original #musical #awesome #love #happy #legs #bubbles #bathtime #sexy #naked #nekked #mrbubbles #sorelaxed #wine #oof #missyou #wishyouwerehere #nyc
I love this place! Queer Eye guy is tipping the dancer. Heaven. #gay #gaystagram #gaygaygay #love #happy #girl #country #texan #texas #awesome #friends #nyc #flamingsaddles #coyoteugly
True story and direct quote from Josh today. He said I wasn’t allowed to travel without a “malescort” (male escort) to a Target about an hour train ride from where we live in Queens. Imagine that, a Target an HOUR away! Ridiculous!
So we hopped on a train but while were talking we missed our exit. Luckily, he said, we just missed it by one stop. We exited in Queens and realized in an instant we were in the ghetto.
"No instagraming until we are safely on a train again" he said. The streets were covered with trash and no building was left without any kind of street art, I mean graffiti, I mean vandalized. Nothing was in English. I almost got ran over twice by people who couldn’t care less where I was walking. Malescort necessary.
Welcome to the heart of Queens, New York. I spot a Dunkin Donuts. I’m starving because by now it’s been a few hours since that one Eggo. I get us coffee & donuts while he figures out an exit strategy, hopefully one that will lead me to a fucking Target (I am also getting cranky without food.)
Target is over an hour now. Screw it, I say, I’m meeting friends in Time’s Square later & home is only 20 minutes back in the safe part (the Polish part) of Queens. Josh realizes he needs to visit the ATM which is in the ghetto area still so we decide to walk there & head home.
On the corner across from the bank there is a shining, beautiful sign that pierces my eyes with all of it’s glory! “$5 SHOE STORE!” Blaring reggeton from crackling speakers, I walk into my church, my home, the discount Puerto Rican shoe store.
10 rows of adorable shoes everything from funky fringed knee high moccasin boots to sky high Pin Up heels. Shoes lined every inch of the store floor to ceiling. I told Josh do what he wants but I’m going into that store.
I was still looking around by the time Josh got back. Although I wanted to buy lots of shoes that called to me “Pick me I would look great in a photo shoot! Pick me I would look hot with a LBD!” I found a pair of adorable black flats with white skull pattern on sale, bought them & left a happy girl.
On our way home Josh said “I’m sorry when I got lost we ended up in the ghetto.” I laughed, a lot. Although I missed Target I was very happy our little misstep lead us to a great store I fully intend on returning to regardless its location…with a malescort of course.
When we got home I ran around getting ready for Time’s Square & Josh apologized again and I said again, no seriously it was fine! I got $5 shoes and actually had a fun time not to mention I can say I had an adventure unlike no other day so far in my NYC tour with Key of E.
P.S. 4 more chances to see Key of E while we are still here in NYC at the FRIGID Festival get your tickets at »>showtix.com
#TBT from when we first got to NYC & our director @andymatchett asked us to go into #williamsburg & buy old records for the covers for the #KeyofE LPs. Turns out the store had just closed so @saragrayways and I jumped into the dumpster outside the store and scored 40 damn near perfect old records (covered in a bit of paint) ‘Twas a magical night! #brooklyn #dumpster #rats #hipster #throwbackthursday #vinyl #records #oldschool #fuckingreallife #hotgirls #sexybitches #fun #friends #love #happy #home