Loving an Addict, a letter to my Pom Pom’s Server
Dear Cute Blond Server at Pom Pom’s Sandwicheria,
Today I came in with my ex-boyfriend and ordered lunch from you under his name. A girl named Jackson would be pretty cool though, you’re right.
Last night J told me he had been struggling with his addictions again and lately they’ve gotten worse. Instead of one of two bags it’s four or five. For the last year we have been together, broken up, got back together, and it’s always because when he goes on a bender I’m usually left in the lurch wondering if he’s high or alive at all. It’s a miserable existence. I forget sometimes that his extreme highs and lows don’t have anything to do with me. They’re either residual of him coming down or they’re triggered by something within himself.
Anyone that has ever loved an addict will understand what I’m talking about. The guilt you feel when you can’t help them. Knowing it’s not your fault they’re addicted but feeling like you’re somewhat to blame. Making excuses for their behavior and finding reasons to blame yourself. Loving an addict can sometimes be addicting in itself. You want so badly to help but they won’t let you. And when they say they’re sorry you forgive them and the cycle begins again.
I told you, Cute Blond Server, that we were dining in and we sat down, you said you would be right over. Then we left. He said “if you’re just gonna pout we can leave.” I can’t help that I have a pouty face when I’m upset. I said “I’m sorry you’re not happy, I just want you to be happy” he said snidely, “please tell me again how I’m not happy that’s really helping.” So I shut up. This translated as pouting when I was just trying to be quiet when he said “let’s just fucking leave this is bullshit I said several times let’s go somewhere else, this is why I don’t have a girlfriend you’re fucking confusing and I don’t hang out with you to feel bad and make me feel bad when I could’ve just stayed home in bed.”
Rewind to earlier this morning. Noon came around I had been tossing and turning. Spooning and cuddling was getting me physically hot and I couldn’t sleep through his cute little snores and my bad dreams. “Hey babe what time is it do you want to go get lunch before work?” He rolls over, checks his phone “Yeah I guess…you do remember I went home sick last night right (from drugs) I had the chills all night (withdrawal) but whatever I’m up now you got me up so let’s go (anger phase)” I sit up, “No it’s okay we don’t have to, I will get a ride home I have stuff to do for the burlesque anyway” he gets dressed & asks where I want to go. I say a few names, Pom Pom’s came up-“I like that place let’s go there.” So off we went.
When we got to you Cute Pom Pom’s Server, he was fired up and complaining about everything. So he decided we should just leave. We got 3 feet from the door when someone asked of he could jump their car. Say what you will about loving an addict but they’re sweet, good hearted people and of course through his madness he said yes, and I said I would at least go order him a tea.
I walked back inside and you, Cutie Server, looked at me and said “What’s wrong?” “He’s just mad at me I’m going to order to go” I didn’t realize tears were welling up in the corners of my eyes until they just came down slowly caressing my cheeks one by one. Just the two tears and you said “OMG I thought I did something wrong I’m so sorry are you okay?” And I said it was and ordered my addicts tea and his sandwich because I figured he could at least eat it at work and it would be a nice surprise. I ordered a beer too and you said “it’s on me.” You didn’t have to, but it touched me and I almost started crying right there at your empathy for my stupid, silly situation.
By this time J came back inside and said “what are you doing?” “I ordered your tea but it’s not ready & I got your sandwich.” We went outside and J continued bitching and complaint about “I could’ve stayed home for this, but no you got me up, you wanted to go (I said we could stay in bed-denial) I suggested several times we could leave and go somewhere else (he didn’t-delusions) you just wanted to shove in my face how I’m unhappy (projection) and this is some bullshit (back to anger.)” so I hugged him, and then he kept complaining about how much bullshit this was that I dragged him all the way here for this shit. So I finally got the nerve to speak up and say “Okay well you just want to be mean to me so fine I’m sorry.” With this he said “Yeah I don’t need this” walked away got in his car and left.
I stood there with my free beer in hand and watched as we flew away. By this point I couldn’t help the tears, silently falling, nothing moved inside of me. Last year I would’ve run after him crying and yelling. This wouldn’t be the first time he reacted this way and left me alone. I had gotten used to dealing on my own. I had gotten used to making achievements and accomplishments on my own without his encouragement or help for that matter. I did what I always do with him, tried to find reason this was my fault and tried not to flip out.
All alone I went back inside Pom Pom’s and you walked over to me with our food. “I’m so sorry” you didn’t have to say that and then you said something that really touched me and made me smile a genuine, heart felt smile, you said “I’m here for you.” You don’t even know me Cute Blond Pom Pom’s Server but you made my day 100% better just by being there when you had no intentions of doing so. Maybe you had a bad day too, maybe (hopefully not) you’re dating an addict too, maybe you just saw a sad girl in a cute dress and felt bad her boyfriend was being such an obvious dick. But you made my day better and I thank you because it’s people like you that make the hard edges of life a little less so, even for a moment.
J text me later and said some hateful, hurtful things. But followed it by “I’m sorry it didn’t go as planned.” He usually takes time to reflect and apologizes and the cycle begins again. I don’t know if I can go back, I don’t know if I can even go back to Pom Pom’s but I do know that I tried and I may not have made a difference in my boyfriends life but you, Cute Blond Server, made a difference in mine and maybe that’s what I really needed to see after all. That there are real people, like myself, that only want to help and understand. Thank you, thank you so much, thank you.
The Girlfriend of an Addict and fellow tea lover.